whether it’s via IM, cell phone, over coffee or dinner, I have countless conversations with my single girlfriends about men, about our current occupation versus our life purpose, about setting standards, having rules and all the situations where we keep to them and those we don’t. it is these conversations that prompted me to do a workshop for single women only at the fusion conference.
being a single women isn’t easy, but it’s not purgatory or the 7th level of hades either. the purpose of my single women's session was to challenge single women to live their lives to the fullest. to not bemoan or complain about things they either need to accept or change.
at the beginning of my session, a guy walks up and lets me know in no uncertain terms how he might be feeling somewhat discriminated against since I didn’t do a session addressing the single men. well, I promised him (hey amos!) what I knew I could deliver…a blog about the topic. as a single woman, i know the hangups, struggles, and opportunities for growth that single women have, but i'm not schooled on those issues for single guys, so i reached out to a varied crew of fellas to get some answers and boy did they deliver.
I must say, the men who responded did so thoughtfully and honestly, and I learned a lot from reading their responses. so if you’re a single man, pick up some of the free wisdom offered here. ladies, let this post take you to school if you’re willing to learn. ☺
1. Find Your Life’s Work
“Most men are extremely passionate! Channeling that passion in to something healthy and productive is the goal. Our passion is what makes us extremely good and extremely bad. If the good can be expressed and the bad circumvented, we as men would be pretty much unstoppable.”
“Purpose is of paramount importance to a man's sense of self worth. That is why our occupation becomes so important to us, because we usually associate our self worth based on what we do well. From sports, to business, to our sex life, we usually love what it is we DO, and not necessarily who it is we ARE. Love for ourselves can only be found in fellowship with our Father, and only then can we say like David, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Marvelous are Your works, and my soul knows it very well!"
“Get a dream - find something that you can pour yourself into...wholeheartedly...with reckless abandonment. find something to do where the "doing" is its own reward. this will not only occupy your time and give you focus, but it has the unintended side effect of garnering attention from the women-folk. exhibited passion is quite the aphrodisiac.”
2. Identify a Mentor
“Since we mostly come from single parent households, men don’t live in households where they see the things they should be doing to keep a relationship alive and they aren’t being taught those things either. Soooo, I think having some vision for those things would be a challenge that we need help with.”
“Befriend a married couple - make a monthly appointment with that older frat brother whose love got locked down five years ago or perhaps an older couple in your church will let you slide over for Sunday dinner. its good and inspiring to see what these folks deal with and how they relate. it can help you identify what you want in a relationship and what you're not ready to take on in your life.”
3. Remember where you’ve been, Evaluate where you are, and Know where you’re going
“I think many single men have a hard time enjoying where they are because quite honestly they don't know where they are supposed to be. There are so many different opinions as to where a man should be at different ages and stages of life. "You should have graduated from college by now", "You should have this type of job by now", You should have a house by now", on and on and on. I think we need to find out where we (as men) are going before we can determine if we can enjoy where we are.”
“Don't forget where you've been: If you forget the kind of women you've dated and not clicked with and just fall into the rut of dating the same kind of woman over and over again because ‘That's what you're attracted to’ then you will find yourself in the same place over and over again, unhappy.”
“Search out and come to terms with your own demons, regrets, feelings of regret or resentment, and fears. More than anything else, these often hidden feelings and perspectives do the most to impede our happiness, growth, and accomplishment.”
5. Develop a Dating M.O.
“Wouldn't it just trip most women out if a man takes them out on a date and he rattles off his M.O. to them? He probably would have more women after him than he could imagine. Men are leaders, and nothing says leadership like SELF leadership. "Here are my standards and boundaries. I promise to respect yours as long as you respect mine."
“Men sometimes leave one relationship for another, or leave for another relationship before the first is even finished. Emotions take time to heal and to jump from relationship to relationship without taking time to heal and evaluate is not healthy. So sit you're bed hopping a-- down for a second, get your mind right and decide what you really want in a woman and a relationship. Then maybe you won't have to jump around so much from house of pain to house of pain and you can find something that will everlast (bad pun but I couldn't help it).”
“The odds of you meeting a quality woman while shouting "My name is [insert your name here]!" over the music around 2:00 a.m. @ Esso's is Slim and Shady.”
“You can't have sex with em all ... you think you can ... you will want to try to ... but you can't! the best thing you can do is find a woman that loves you, that you love in return and live happily ever after because there will always be a girl that's cuter, that has a better body and that's sexier but there will not always be another woman that can make you happy. Once those breasts start to sag and that a-- turns to flab you better be with someone you can love, live and grow with.”
“do NOT let society, your friends, your ego, or unchecked desire drive your partner selection process. Many of the ideals we have about women are void of the most important criteria and focus on surface characteristics that do not stand the test of time.”
7. Surrender to God
“Most men have a hard time with this, but we must trust our lives to the One who gave it to us. If we do what we can, God can do what He wills. The result will always bring us out on top!”
“A woman will only submit to you to the degree that you submit to God. Everyone (men included) are considered to be married to God, in essence God's wives. So in order to be a good husband you must first be a good wife.”